Viruses SGC Style
by J. Hicks
Summary: SG9 brings back a virus...
1. Chapter 1

Season: Season 5.

Disclaimers: I stole them; they're all I mine! HAAAAA! You can never have them back! All right seriously, not mine, not making any money off of this, blah blah.

Feedback: Send anything. I'll even happily accept flames; I'm always losing my lighter.

Authors Notes: Someone offered a bit of a challenge to write a "fun" fic, and this is how my brain decided to interpret it.

Dedication: This fic goes out to CT. If it wasn't for her telling me where to find the team info, I probably never would have written it. Ct, I hope you laugh as hard reading this, as I did writing it.

ENJOY!

HAMMOND

Unauthorized Off World Activation

Pushing aside my paperwork, I rush off to the control room. I can only hope that it's SG-9. They're more than two hours overdue.

"Receiving IDC, it's SG-9," the technician at the computer tells me.

"Open the iris."

"SG-9, you're over two hours overdue; explanations, briefing room, now," I order. I can't allow them to see that I'm just happy that they're all home safe. I'm a General-_The Man_-I have to play the part.

Walking into the briefing room I find two of the members, Tarkman and Winters arm wrestling, and Major Benton and Lieutenant Grogan playing a game of paper football.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I yell.

"Sorry sir," they all say to me, but I can see that Winters is trying to suppress a giggle.

"Why were you overdue without any injuries and without sending any type of message?" I ask.

"Uhhh…we sort of lost track of time while we were at the party," Major Benton says.

"Party?" I repeat. I can feel a migraine coming on, and I still have a briefing with SG-1 directly after this.

"Yeah it was in full swing when we got there. We asked what they were celebrating, and the people there told us they do it everyday. Sorta like that planet Colonel O'Neill got freaky with that hot chick and got all old on," He continues. Winters is openly giggling now. Ignoring his comment about Jack for the time being, I open my mouth against my better judgment to speak again.

"Could the same technology be in use?"

"Nah, we asked about that too, but they told us that they live long lives."

"SG-9 go for your post mission physicals, we'll continue this later, Dismissed," I say after I see SG-1 standing around in the hallway.

"Okey-dokey." Shaking my head at the lack of respect from my usually most respective team I follow them to the door of the briefing room.

"SG-1, I'll be back in a minute, just sit down."

As I walk into my office to grab the file for my briefing with

SG-1 I'm still bewildered by the peculiar actions of SG-9. Shaking the thoughts away, I walk back into the briefing room.

Seeing SG-1 already seated in their usual seats is no surprise to me. Unlike with SG-9, SG-1, and I dismissed with many formalities a long time ago. The only thing that would tell a casual observer who is in charge is the use of ranks.

"Colonel, Dr. Jackson was interested by the ruins found by SG-11. He believes that they may have been from the Ancients. This is where SG-1 will be going for their next mission. Dr. Jackson, if you will."

Daniel gets up to tell SG-1 and myself why he believes the ruins are Ancient. However, Daniel's definition of "interesting" is most people's definition of mind numbingly dull.

As he continues to ramble on and on I feel my mind beginning to wander. I notice as I have on many occasions that Jack is doodling, and Sam keeps sneaking glances at whatever the picture is. It must be funny; she keeps trying to suppress a smile.

"Jack, I want to see it too." Now why in the hell did I say that?

"Excuse me General?"

"Sam seems to think your picture is funny, so I want to see it too." I don't know why I'm digging myself into a deeper hole.

"Uh…sir…I'm not quite sure what you mean." He's trying to stall me, it must be good.

"Jack, just give the damn thing!" I say, snatching the drawing from in front of him.

If I'm interpreting it correctly, it's a monkey being sucked into a black hole.

"I didn't know monkeys wore glasses."

"What?" Daniel exclaims.

"Someone just shoot me…," Jack mutters as his head meets the table with a thunk.

"Jack it's okay. I'm sure Sam can make it all better, can't you Sam. Just be a good little Major and slip under the table, I'm sure that Jack will feel much better in no time."

"What?" Everyone shouts.

"General, I think it's time you saw a doctor," I say.

However, getting the General to the infirmary is a task that is easier said than done. In the end it takes the four of us almost fifteen minutes to get the rather husky man up seven levels.

When we get to the infirmary it looks like it's been hit by a tornado.

"Doc, what the hell happened in here?"

"SG-9. They said they had come for their physicals but they had only been sitting for five minutes when they decided to play a rather rambunctious game of hide and seek."

"Hide and seek, ooooh…I want to play, The General says.

"Sir, from the looks of things, I'd say we're dealing with some kind of virus…and it's contagious.

TBC….WHHAAAAAAAAA!


	2. Chapter 2

Part Two

JACK

"Doc, what do you mean by 'contagious?'?"

"Sir, think about it. Whatever is causing SG-9 to behave like this has obviously spread to General Hammond." She says gesturing to where Hammond is occupied blowing up gloves.

"How is it transmitted?" Sam asks.

"I have no way of knowing that yet."

"Guys, I don't think it matters. If it's airborne, we were all in the briefing room, and if it's transmitted by touch; well we all touched General Hammond getting him down here." Daniel points out.

"For cryin' out loud, do you mean to tell me that the five of us are all going to start acting like kids too?"

"Probably sir." Doc says.

"Sir, more than us…SG-9 is already out there." Sam says pointing to the infirmary doors.

"We better call the President." I say.

Getting the General back to his office with us is no easier a task than getting him to the infirmary.

Picking up the red phone I tell the woman my name and that it's an emergency and I need to speak to the President.

"Ooooh, I want to talk to him too." Hammond says.

I don't know why, but just as I hear the President's voice, I hand him the phone. He's speaking so loud everyone in the office can hear him.

"What's happened? Is everything all right?" The President asks.

I know I should be mortified at General Hammond's response, but just like the other occupants in the room, I only find it funny.

"For shizzle, my nizzle." He responds and promptly hangs up the phone.

TBC…

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

I promise Chapter 3 will be out soon, and will be longer.  



	3. Chapter 3

Oh, and for the record yes Teal'c is infected too. He's still using the names he always uses because I figure that he has no wish to call them anything but.

Part 3

DANIEL

Some time later we all stop laughing at the General's comment.

"Guys, I've got an idea." Janet says before taking off out of the General's office. The five of us follow her, doing everything in our power to catch up. There was a glint in her eyes that told us it would be worth it.

Arriving at our destination, she grabs a cart and tosses as many boxes of gloves as she can find on it.

"Dr. Fraiser, what are you doing?" Teal'c asks.

"Just getting some supplies together so that we can have some fun." She says before running into her office and coming back out with a humongous box of rubber bands.

"I too believe that it is time for some fun." Teal'c says.

"On that note; come help me out you guys." Janet says pushing the cart towards the sink.

"C'mon Doc, just tell us what you're up to." Jack says.

"We're going to make water balloons." She responds, her eyes lighting up mischievously.

"If we use an assembly line we can make them a lot faster." Sam says as she thrusts a couple of boxes of gloves into my chest.

"Major Carter, what is an assembly line?" Teal'c asks.

"It's where a bunch of people work together, each doing a specific job. That way the task is completed quicker and more efficiently than if one person did the job alone." I answer for her.

"That seems most wise."

"Daniel, you take the gloves out of the box, I'll tie them, Jack…" Sam starts only to be interrupted by Jack.

"I'll fill them. I spent a good portion of my misspent youth making water balloons out of everything. Janet you and Teal'c organize them on the cart, and George you just do what you do best; supervise."

A little while later all of the gloves are filled to capacity, and Jack was right about being good.

Pushing the cart out of the infirmary we soon find our first victim. Sam leans around the corner and throws the first 'balloon' at the coming airman.

A splash followed by the outraged "What the hell?" tells us that Sam hit her mark.

"Uh guys I think it may be time for us to retreat." I say.

"That would be most wise." Teal'c agrees.

We rush back towards the elevator, and the doors close just as the now soaked airman gets to them.

"That was close." Janet says.

""No more close calls, I'm an old man." Hammond says.

We continued on that way for seven levels, hitting as many passing airmen and SF's as possible before our eventual retreat to the elevator. By the time we reach level 28 there is no turning back. Soaking as many people as we can on the way, we lock ourselves in General Hammond's office.

"Did you see the look on Siler's face?" I ask.

"How about McKenzie? I thought he was going to have a stroke." Sam adds.

"I forgot he was coming today. When we got off the elevator and he said 'Dr. Fraiser, I've been looking all over for you.' It was just too good to miss."

"So how long do you think we'll have to wait in here?" Jack asks.

"Well they've stopped pounding so maybe it's safe." I say.

"Perhaps they stopped pounding and are being quiet to make us believe that they are gone." Teal'c says.

"Uh guys, I don't think we have to worry about that. Listen." Sam says referring to the obnoxious rap music that has begun to play-from the sound of things-from every speaker in the base.

"Okay let's go, I've got another idea." Hammond says as he grabs a sheaf of papers from his desk.

Just as we make our way for the door, there's a gentle rap unlike the insistent pounding from before.

Jack motions for Sam to move to open the door and he grabs the last water balloon. When he puts the third finger on his left hand down, Sam flings open the door and he releases the balloon.

Over the sound of the splash I hear a familiar voice.

"What the hell is going on?"

END Pt. 3


	4. Chapter 4

A.N.: Just a little thought to the people who sent reviews for this or any of my other stories; Thank you so much, it really means a lot to me, and makes me keep writing.

A.N.2: To the people who thought it was the President: He has lackeys to send for stuff like this. And for the people who thought it was Kinsey: I wish I had thought of that. I'm thinking about a way tho bring him in now, look what you've done, you've gone and got my muse all excited.

> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >

MAJOR DAVIS

If I weren't thoroughly confused before, I would be now. Rap music is playing throughout the base, people are dancing in the corridors, Siler is singing to a giant wrench, and I'm now soaking wet standing in the General's office with a now busted latex glove sitting at my feet. Adding to all of this General Hammond,

Dr. Fraiser, and SG-1 are all high-fiving each other.

To say things here are strange would be the understatement of the century.

"I'm going to ask again, what the hell is going on here? It took me forty-five minutes to get down here because the Lieutenant who got in the elevator with me hit every button. When I finally find you, I'm bombarded by a water balloon."

"Oh relax Paulie, we're all just having a little bit of fun." Major Carter says to me.

"Relax? You want me to relax? A very anxious President sends me here because he was told there was an emergency. When he asked if everything was okay he was told, and I quote; 'For shizzle, my nizzle.' Relax, are you crazy?"

"Everything is fine Paulie dear, just call the nice President and then tell him so. Then you can RELAX and have some fun with us." Colonel O'Neill says emphasizing the word relax.

"Oh, I'm going to call him alright, but I'm not telling him that everything is fine. I'm going to tell him that everyone on this base is certifiable. It might be a side effect from gate travel. It has to be really, I mean how can this many people go crazy all at once naturally?" I know I'm rambling to myself, but look at the situation I'm in. Who would really blame me?

"Major Davis, I do not believe anyone here has lost balance to their mind. We are all simply trying to have some fun." Teal'c says.

"Fun?" I ask.

"Yes, fun. Haven't you heard of it?" Jack asks me.

"Well, I don't see a problem with that. I guess I have a phone call to make." I say as I head towards Hammond's desk.

"Now that's the spirit." Daniel says.

"This is Major Davis, I need to speak with the President." I say to the operator.

As I wait for my call to be put through Janet pushes me a sheet of paper. When he finally comes on the line, I read off the excuse she gave me.

"Hello Sir, everything is just fine out here. General Hammond had an allergic reaction to his new cholesterol medication. Dr. Fraiser currently has him resting in the infirmary for observation. Yes Sir, thank you Sir." I say before replacing the phone in its cradle.

"Alright now that that's settled, follow me." Hammond says as he walks out his office door carrying a stack of papers.

JANET

We all follow Hammond out of his office and into the control room. Paul runs off to find some dry BDU's, but we promise him that he'll be able to find us.

"Hmmm…Sam, can you dial the Tok'ra home world?" Hammond asks as we get there.

"Sure."

"Alright, c'mon." Hammond says as he leads the way down to the gate room.

When we arrive he sits Indian style on the floor with surprising agility for such an old man.

"Everyone sit." He tells us as Paul comes running in.

"What are we doing?" He asks.

"Watch." Hammond says as he picks up a sheet of paper and begins to fold it. In just a few seconds I see what his intentions are as he sends his newly created airplane flying through the event horizon.

"I wish I could see the look on their smarmy snake head faces when they see all of these." Jack says when about half of the papers are gone.

"Look a flower." I say as I stand up and carefully send it through the wormhole.

"Look, I can make a sword." Jack says as he first makes and then sends the paper weapon after the flower.

Sam grabs the last sheet of paper and starts crumpling it up. When she's done, she proudly holds up her finished project.

"A goose."

"Show off." Jack mumbles.

"No, I think she's just watched 'Liar, Liar' too many times." Daniel corrects him.

"Now what?" Jack asks like the impatient kid I believe him to be.

Teal'c raises his usual eyebrow in response and the rest of us just shrug, and then Paul speaks.

"I know who's up for a little jell-o?"

TBC

End pt.4


	5. Chapter 5

Just so everyone knows, from now on parts of this story will be told from the point of view of a narrator. It's one of those obnoxious, I know how the story ends and you don't type of narrators too. You'll know which parts are from the narrator and which are still 1st person POV.

TEAL'C

When Major Davis asked who wanted jell-o, I believed he meant to eat.

We enlist the help of every person we meet along the way, and we begin to make a large ring in the center of the commissary by turning all of the tables on their sides.

"You five go get all the Jell-O you can carry, and the rest of us will finish making the ring." Major Davis says pointing to General Hammond, Dr. Fraiser, and the rest of SG-1.

When we are done building the ring, they are back holding what must be half of the stock of Jell-O.

While they are dumping the Jell-O in the center of the ring I speak.

"Who wishes to go first?" Everyone in the commissary seems to start shouting in unison.

"I think Doc vs. Space Monkey should be the first battle." O'Neill says.

"Uhhh….I don't know if I'm comfortable with that." Daniel Jackson states while he blushes from head to toe.

"Oh…come on Daniel, it'll be fun. I promise not to hurt you." Dr. Fraiser says as she pulls off her white lab coat.

"Go on Danny, you can't let Doc show ya up." O'Neill says before shoving him towards the ring.

Climbing into the ring, the two begin to circle, sizing each other up.

Dr. Fraiser makes the fist move, but slips in the jell-o when Daniel Jackson counters her.

"It's not going to be that easy Jan." Major Carter says.

"Yeah Doc, use the jell-o to your advantage!"

Same time in the gate room.

NARRATOR

The wormhole activates, but with no one in the control room the iris is not activated.

This however, is a good thing when Jacob carter steps through the gate.

Hearing the techno music that is now playing throughout the base, and seeing at least ten people dancing with glow sticks, he is momentarily dumbfounded.

When he regains his composure he notices Sgt. Siler is one of the people dancing in the dark gate room. Walking that way he questions him about the mess by the gate on Vorash.

"Sgt. Siler, do you know why SGC paperwork was all over the ground by the Stargate on the Tok'ra world?"

"SGC paperwork? Are you sure?"

"Yes mostly shaped like paper airplanes, but there was also a flower, a sword, and a goose."

"It wasn't me, someone probably thought it would be funny."

"Do you know where General Hammond is?"

"Uh no, but I saw him, SG-1, and some other people headed in that direction talking about jell-o."

"Thank you, they're probably in the commissary then." Jacob says before heading off in the direction that Siler had directed him.

However, more dancers, and a few people riding bikes throughout the corridors stalled his progress. There was even a group on skateboards that had set up a miniature skate park. In the end it took him almost an hour to get there.

Pausing outside the commissary doors Selmac inwardly speaks to Jacob.

"Jacob this place gets stranger every time we come."

Pushing open the doors the first thing he notices is a large group of people cheering and yelling, but he can't see why. Then he hears the voice of his longtime friend.

"C'mon Sam, you almost had him."

"What?" Jacob screams to be heard over the crowd.

"Jake, get up here, you have to see this." General Hammond screams back.

As the crowd parts to let him through he notices that many of them are covered in jell-o including Hammond and SG-1.

He gets to the front just in time to see Carter pinned by O'Neill.

"Jack, what do you think you're doing with my daughter?"

"I pinned her and now I'm going to kiss her." He responds before claiming Sam's lips with his.


End file.
